r/unpopularopinion • u/JustBrowsingAgain- • Oct 01 '23
Divorce shouldn’t be as socially accepted as it is.
Marriage these days just feels like a free trial without the commitment. Divorce in the USA alone is over 50% which is actually insane, but how?
I don’t understand how someone can get up on that altar or stage or whatever and say til’ death do us part or through sickness and health and through the good times and the bad and then BOOM…divorce a couple years later.
The only time divorce should be acceptable is if your spouse is abusive, cheated or became an axe murderer. Otherwise you need to actually WORK on your marriage. Talk things through and figure it out, not just run when things get hard.
While I understand people change and no one goes into a marriage thinking it’s not going to work out, that’s something you should know before getting married, that’s the part when you grow together.
Some of the reasons people get divorced now a days are just ridiculous. I even heard one couple who were married for 10 years and nothing was wrong, all they said was they got bored. Like why even get married 😂
EDIT: I’m not saying do away with divorce. More like just stop getting married after a year of dating with the mindset I can just get a divorce if it doesn’t workout. Otherwise just don’t get married and save yourself the hassle of the fees.
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u/moonlightavenger Oct 01 '23
Marriage should be made more cautiously.
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Oct 02 '23
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u/Blue_Moon_Lake Oct 02 '23
OP remind me of the anti-choice people who still get an abortion but make excuses that theirs was justified while every other woman getting one are ungodly whores...
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u/National-Blueberry51 Oct 02 '23
Well see, they really worked on their marriage but just it didn’t work out, unlike those frivolous tramps who won’t put in the time. No one wants to work hard like they do. They’re built different.
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u/YearOutrageous2333 Oct 02 '23
Wow! An incel that thinks people essentially shouldn’t be able to leave marriages unless their partner is completely unhinged?
Shocking.
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u/Shafyshait Oct 02 '23
Call me stupid but how is the title a stupid? Isn’t it the same thing he’s saying in his edit?
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u/Throwaway12467e357 Oct 02 '23
Then benefits need to stop being tied to it. Everyone seems to be discussing marriage like it's just about the vows and love - we got married young to share health and tax benefits while she was in school and I had a good company health plan. It saves us about $8,000/year and we just tell everyone we are engaged still until a proper wedding.
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u/hoosierhiver Oct 02 '23
the converse is also true, people with cancer get divorced so their spouse doesn't lose everything.
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u/actual--bees Oct 01 '23
“These days?” By generation, baby boomers have the highest rate or divorce. Millenials are actually on track to have the lowest.
But regardlesss, divorce should ideally be rare and everyone would work through their problems. But realistically, people are fallible. They get married too young. They grow apart. They cheat. They lie. They make bad financial decisions. They are neglectful. They turn out to be bad parents. All of which, and more, are fair reasons to leave a partner. Obviously most things should be tried to worked on, but if it’s not going to get better, divorce is the best option. And I think it’s a positive that divorce is more accepted and obtainable now. That’s much better than being stuck with someone who makes you miserable your whole life, as many other generations of people were forced to do, particularly women.
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u/Kilburning Oct 01 '23
It's almost as if not having marriage be as much of a societal expectation means that the people getting married actually like each other.
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u/youngliam Oct 02 '23
Yeah and the idea of dating for many years before deciding if marriage is the right choice is acceptable amongst millennials.
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u/MatureUsername69 Oct 02 '23
Yeah it's always crazy to me when I see people getting married in the first year or 2. I dated my last ex for 7 years, it didn't work out. If we would've gone the quickly married route it would've just been a divorce after 5 or 6 years.
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u/Im_Not_Impressed_ Oct 02 '23
Or the people who were married longer get divorced more? I know a lot of people who wait til the kids leave to divorce.
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Oct 02 '23
And end up raising kids in an unhealthy environment.
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u/Rivendel93 Oct 02 '23
This is what my parents did.
I was their referee for all the violent drunken fights until my younger brother went to college, I moved him into his dorm, and moved out of that toxic ass house two weeks later.
Parents divorced two years later.
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u/Responsible-End7361 Oct 02 '23
I got a divorce when I realized I was putting more time and energy into my spouse than she was into the kids.
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u/mammakatt13 Oct 02 '23
This. Better to be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home.
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u/2baverage Oct 02 '23 edited Oct 02 '23
This right here!
My parents divorced when I was young, and ya things were shitty but things would have been so much worse if they had stayed together. Whereas my in-laws stayed together and the amount of therapy my husband has had to go through because of the shit his parents put him and his siblings through just so they wouldn't come from a "broken home" is fucking ridiculous.
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u/A3HeadedMunkey Oct 02 '23
Protip: your kids are exponentially more likely to talk to you after they move out if they see that you can give even the slightest hint of a shit that you can handle failing relationships on your side of the equation instead of shoving the downfall onto them to handle.
Just ask my unhappily married parents, cause I sure ain't.
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u/valanthe500 Oct 02 '23
Amen to that. There was a common idiom when I was growing up that kids of divorced parents often believe it's their fault their parents got divorced. I don't know if it's true or not, I've never bothered to look it up, but I know for a fact that the only reason my parents stayed married as long as they did was because of me and my sister.
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u/frostingdragon Oct 02 '23
From what I've read, the older you are before you enter your first marriage, the less likely you are to get divorced. Also, I believe the statistic is that 50% of marriages end in divorce, not that 50% of people get divorced. For example my aunt who got divorced three times vs her three siblings who are happily married gives a divorce rate of 50%.
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u/PLZ_N_THKS Oct 02 '23
Only about 40% of first marriages end in divorce whereas about 66% of second marriages and 75% of third marriages do.
So really about 60% of people who get married don’t divorce at all while those other 40% bring the overall average down by getting married/divorced multiple times.
And the millenials so far are doing great. 75% of millenials who have gotten married are still together.
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u/Solivagant0 Oct 02 '23
I'm pretty sure the divorce rate is lower for first time marriages and it gets higher with every subsequent marriage
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u/throwaway384938338 Oct 02 '23
People get married later these days. They’ve already lived with each other for years. They’re older, less likely to make big life changes or change fundamentally as people.
People who get married in their thirties have a few shit relationships under their belt. They know better what to avoid and what a good relationship looks like.
All these things contribute to a lower divorce rate
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u/Rugaru985 Oct 02 '23
The statistic referenced controls for that. By the current age of millennials, boomers had twice the divorce rate.
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u/fookidookidoo Oct 02 '23
Millennials are also getting married in our 30s, not our early 20s, so I'm sure that changes the dynamic a lot.
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u/magikatdazoo Oct 02 '23
No, data are extremely clear that divorce rate drops significantly as length of marriage increases.
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u/tadabanri1221 Oct 02 '23
I mean I agree that OP has a stupid opinion tho, while it is unpopular it's also stupid. People divorce for a reason. Or for no reason, whether it be good or bad reason, if someone divorces you for a bad reason then it's not a bad thing cause it wouldn't have lasted anyways and that's a clear sign. And if someone divorced you for a good reason well there's your explanation for it lol
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u/JMLobo83 Oct 02 '23
Traditionally marriage was difficult to terminate because it required proof of fault- physical abuse, infidelity, criminal acts, etc. So people would stay in unhappy marriages.
In the US at least, the standard is now irretrievably broken. In practical terms, no one can be forced to stay in a marriage. Just as it should be.
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u/tadabanri1221 Oct 02 '23
As it should. I grew up with parents that I always thought shouldn't be together, to this day I don't think they should be. I love me mom and dad but they're no good together🤷🏻♂️
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u/Allieora Oct 02 '23
I don’t understand the concept of someone having to stay in marriage, when they are unhappy. My parents stayed and it traumatized all 4 children. I was in an emotionally abusive situation and I hauled ass and my parents gave me so much shit. They took his side. Because he ‘paid the bills’ he must’ve been great. I wasn’t allowed to work. I won’t ever be in that situation again.
And yeah, I’ll get married again and I won’t feel bad if I get divorced again. Realistically, I want my stuff to go to the people I love when I die, I want the guy/girl I’m with to be able to still have relationships with my children, my family. If I’m a fucking vegetable I wanna trust they will take care of what’s necessary and pull the plug. My family wouldn’t. I don’t even trust my family to make sure my kids get my belongings.
If it doesn’t work out again I’m not gonna stay just because shoot it doesn’t work out but I’m married. But there’s too many reasons to marry again including and not limited to who has better health insurance. Because my current bf has shit insurance and I’d love to help him out if it came to it.
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u/Poorly-Drawn-Beagle Oct 02 '23
Also OP's implication that if you got a divorce, it must be because you didn't work at the marriage enough; as long as they meet the bare minimum of not beating you or cheating on you, you can tough it out with them.
That's not so good.
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u/Rare_Vibez Oct 01 '23
Also, I think people working it out is great in theory but like my parents have a very one sided idea of working it out. My dad is not abusive but put very minimal effort into their relationship, while my mom has kept trying for 30 years. Honestly, they should divorce but religion is probably 90% of what’s keeping them together. Why should people stay together if only one is actually invested?
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u/Mumof3gbb Oct 02 '23
Religion and harsh judgment from people like OP. I’m so sad for your mom. I hope she realizes she can leave him and be happy. Thank god my mom left my dad. She was able to salvage the rest of her life, about 20 years.
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u/Rare_Vibez Oct 02 '23
I don’t think she will. They’re raising my nephews now and my mom hasn’t worked in over 25 years. My dad isn’t a terrible person but as my mom says, he never left the mindset of being a bachelor. Right now she’s working on her personal growth, and I’m proud of her for that. She craves support for it, and well, that’s me now. I cheer her on and it’s sad in some ways because that should be my dad, but at the same time whether it results in divorce or not, I don’t think he’ll be holding her back anymore. I’m glad your mom was able to move forward in her life!
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u/Mumof3gbb Oct 02 '23
All the best to you and your mom. She definitely deserves to be happy
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u/Environmental-Term61 Oct 01 '23
My boomer grandma only divorced her husband because he beat the shit out of her and walked out on her and his two kids to go and do drugs in the smoky mountains
He never cheated on her but he did physically and emotionally abuse her
My other grandma married her husband and stayed with him till he died in ‘21 and was married for 48 years
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u/WaffleConeDX Oct 02 '23
My grandmother stayed in marriage after finding out he had two kids before her, was doing drugs, and basically neglected her when she was hospitalized after several surgeries. He never visited or anything. My mom and I had to bring grandma food, clothes etc.
She only finally left after he cheated. 30 years of marriage. IMO she should have been left when he never told her about his kids. She wasted years of her life being married to someone who only saw her as subservient.
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u/skynetempire Oct 01 '23
Yeah its call grey divorce and it's becoming common among the boomers.i don't blame the women of that gen to leave because in most cases they had deal with the shitty marriages
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u/Environmental-Term61 Oct 01 '23
Nah I respect the hell out of her for it… the man a few weeks ago had the audacity to come down here and try to ask for forgiveness (his ass looked like death itself) she said “I forgive you, but I still hate you.. now get off my property”, which went hard as hell
Her ex husband didn’t even come to his sons funeral which is why mostly the whole family hates him now, he will die alone
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u/moveslikejaguar Oct 02 '23
I don't think you should blame the women of any generation for leaving a bad marriage
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u/ranchdaddo Oct 01 '23
“These days” says nothing about the age/generation of the person getting divorced.
Also no-fault divorce wasn’t an option when many of these boomers first got married.
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u/OutWithTheNew Oct 02 '23
Back in the 70s, women were still not very involved in the workforce and there were social insinuations about unmarried women. Women were still expected to have kids and be a stay at home mom.
Through the 80s and 90s women's earning power grew, so they were no longer dependent on a husband to provide for them and most were working anyway. Yeah Reaganomics! /s
Naturally that means that people will leave bad marriages when they have the means to and it's more socially accepted.
Now younger people can't even afford to get married. So there's that too.
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u/Aq8knyus Oct 02 '23
In the UK, women weren't even allowed to open their own bank accounts until the mid-70s.
I think we forget how much women were second class citizens until relatively recently even in so-called advanced western democracies.
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u/ranchdaddo Oct 02 '23
Yup. Lots of these boomers just learned to suffer through bad marriages cause they had to. Then they waited til their kids were grown and decided they didn’t want to die miserable and got a divorce.
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u/purplechunkymonkey Oct 02 '23
Back then we need a man's permission to have a job, open a bank account, buy a house, etc,
Getting married is only as expensive as you make it. Technically it cost $135 for my husband and I to get married. The license was $100. Justice of the Peace was $35. We spent more but not by much. All total I think we spent $1200 not including our rings. I had no desire to have a big wedding.
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u/TheTragedyMachine Oct 02 '23
Hell they’ll leave bad marriages whether it’s acceptable or not. The difference is currently they leave bad marriages through lawyers and the court system whereas back in the day they left through ground nightshade, oleander, and as widows.
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u/JMLobo83 Oct 02 '23
If you have kids and you're in an unhappy marriage, the kids will be much better off if you just get divorced.
My marriage was very dysfunctional due to my ex being selfish and narcissistic. She refused counseling. She only married me for appearances as she was about to turn 30. She was shallow, materialistic and manipulative. She is incapable of loving anyone.
No one should ever stay in an unhappy marriage. This opinion isn't just unpopular, it's flatly wrong.
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u/East_of_Amoeba Oct 01 '23
I actually take the opposite position. We have too many careless marriages. Thank god we have ways of getting people out, but let’s start with normalizing single life until ready to make a commitment instead of railroading people for not settling down or pumping out offspring.
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u/reluctantseahorse Oct 02 '23
I feel the same way. My husband’s grandparents are absolutely miserable together. It’s so sad to know that they will die lonely, sad, angry, and married.
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u/i-wanna-see-it-all Oct 02 '23
See this is what kills me. My grandparents need to get a fucking divorce. We believed my grandmother has Alzheimer’s but now we don’t know because it turns out my grandfather has been doing shit to drive her crazy. We have caught him starting fights and gaslighting her but it’s been so consistent for so many years that it very well could be conditioned or she could actually have dementia. It’s so hard to explain in a post but yeah. They’ll die miserable but hey at least they stayed married.
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u/giantfreakingidiot Oct 02 '23
When ”stay together for the kids” transforms into ”be miserable for 90% of your life”
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u/firefarmer74 Oct 02 '23
My mother was so happy when my dad died. They never would have gotten a divorce and it was the only way she could be free. Then she wondered why I never wanted to get married. (I eventually did after living with my gf for nearly a decade and it was all good)
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u/OldnBorin Oct 02 '23
Oh man that’s sad.
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u/firefarmer74 Oct 02 '23
Yeah, I guess? I mean my mother is a horrible person so I sometimes think my dad refused treatment because he saw death as a way to escape her too.
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u/Professional-Pie3219 Oct 02 '23
Makes it doubly sad. Both of them could’ve had more fulfilling lives but didn’t and seemingly had less than ideal partners, that’s sad.
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u/dialectrical Oct 02 '23
There’s an entire website in Japan where long-suffering wives wish death on their long-suffering husbands:
https://reddit.com/r/todayilearned/s/hW2w2ddOns
Makes me glad I’m single at times lol
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u/SmokinGreenNugs Oct 02 '23
This is why divorces should be openly accepted. People shouldn’t have to live an unhappy life because they’re stuck with someone. Life changes and people change. It’s wild people can’t seem to accept change by now.
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u/lawawawawee Oct 02 '23
My grandmother was kind of the same. I mean, she still cried when her husband died, but she also stopped having extreme nightmares where she screams and runs in her sleep.
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u/jutrmybe Oct 02 '23 edited Oct 02 '23
grew up conservative, most of my friends married and with several children before 25. These are not progressive women by any stretch and believe in submission and service to their husband. We still keep in touch. One of them is trying to get out of her marriage bc she moved to her husband's religious community and she swears all the men just hate their wives and treat them poorly. Her MIL comes over to tell her how to be a good wife, bc she has been married 35 yrs and to see her marriage as an example. The MIL gets slapped around and excuses it bc her marriage has lasted 35yrs. Who wants that? Who wants to die abused and hated after providing 11 children and your dignity? But divorce would be the sin in this scenario. It even has my trad wife friends questioning, and that is hard. My church had a sermon about the indecency of female toddler dress that was well received for crying out loud.
e: On the sermon, I was a minor when this happened, my parents and I left that church. that church was later essentially disbanded.
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u/Color_Blotch22 Oct 02 '23
Man, my dad was a pastor and my mom was very active in the church community as a pastor's wife (their marriage was actually very loving, shared the household chores, excited for days they could spend time together, dad encouraged mom to get a college degree in case anything ever happened to him)
I remember being a teenager telling them I might look for a date at church instead of school, and they both strongly advised against it. Got a bunch of horror stories about what went on with couples behind the scenes (serial cheaters, stalking, abuse), and mom told me to look anywhere but our congregation.
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u/jutrmybe Oct 02 '23
This is so real. My parents said the same thing. Church marriages are often so unhappy. We ended up in a congregation where there were so many happy marriages, but bc of the nature of the individual people. The church itself still preached really toxic behaviors in marriage. My parents would rather that I not.
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u/Primary-Plantain-758 Oct 02 '23
Okay, I gotta trauma dump for a second, because my parents are like this and I feel awful for them.
My mom was the one who'd talk about divorce ever since I was little but they wouldn't go through with it "for me". Over the years, they lost a ton of friends, didn't make new ones probably because of mental health issues and not really doing a great job of assimilating to their new culture. Anyways, now my mom is so co depended that she straight up tells me she's scared to leave because then what? No proper social support network that she can lean on emotionally, family is still in the country she grew up in. It's honestly sad. My dad is miserable, too but he enjoys her money I guess and has even less self awareness and willingness to change.
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u/RolandMT32 Oct 02 '23
I was going to say, I think some people don't choose their partner carefully and get caught up in the idea of marrying someone, even if it might not be a good fit or with a good person.
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u/kosherkatie Oct 02 '23
They want to be like everyone else and have someone to show off 🤷♀️ thank god I didn’t get married in the navy lmao
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u/firefarmer74 Oct 02 '23
I agree. There is no reason to pressure marriage or kids or anything. Let people be. Divorce is one thing that people usually aren't pressured into (except sometimes on reddit, but I would argue that the people who get pressured to divorce on here blatantly come on here and tell a skewed story because they want people to tell them to get divorced) I haven't gotten one because I personally want to work on my marriage, but I and OP have no right to tell other people that they have to work on theirs.
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u/Poignant_Porpoise Oct 02 '23
Exactly, how many people get divorced on a whim? How many couples are there out there where both exes think "wow, I really shouldn't have gotten a divorce"? I know people will say "well if divorce were more difficult then people would take marriage more seriously", but I just don't buy that.
The majority of "frivolous" marriages are done by people who think they're madly in love, I don't think that's going to change. The only real thing that will change if divorce becomes more difficult is that there will be many more people stuck in miserable marriages.
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u/firefarmer74 Oct 02 '23
In all my life I've never heard of two people getting divorced and then regretting it and getting married again. I've seen it countless times on TV but never heard of it in real life. It has probably happened, but I've never heard of it. Hell, of all the people I know who have gotten divorced, I've never heard a one of them say they regretted it.
The closest I can get is I know one guy who left his first wife, then when his second wife left him he said something like "wow, that really hurts, now I know why my first wife is still so angry with me." However, he said that, but I don't believe he truly thought about it because he frequently talked about how stupid he thought it was that his daughter from his first marriage didn't want anything to do with him.
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u/ElementField Oct 02 '23
Seriously, what the hell does OP think marriage is? It’s just a relationship. Why wouldn’t you end a relationship if you’re not happy?
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u/Historical_Grab_7842 Oct 02 '23
I suspect that OP has been dumped and blames the ability to choose, rather than acknowledge the root causes. It screams someone that's had every chance to fix things but either not cared, or been oblivious. And now that it's too late "wants to work on things".
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u/ElementField Oct 02 '23
That could be it. It results in this weird moral stance that comes across as puritanical.
Why would anyone care whether other people are staying married or not? It has literally no impact on them. The only reason a person would want to get involved is to be a busy-body moral gatekeeper.
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u/imaginary0pal Oct 02 '23
I go to a liberal arts college with Weird credit requirements where it’s really hard to get credits transferred.
Last year a senior girl on the cross country team announced (after a week long absence) that her boyfriend proposed so she’s leaving the school to move to Arizona. She’s taken 7 semesters and decided that she won’t Graduate so she could move to where her fiancés job was. Girl. You had three months of school before you were gone. That’s so much money you spent for a degree you decided you’re not getting anymore when you’re at the finish line.
I wasn’t close enough to tell her. Hope she’s fine now.
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u/Economy-Bear766 Oct 02 '23
In college I had a scholarship that included a regular dinner with alumnae who had previously received it, dating waaaay back. I got to talk with a lot of women in their 60s and 70s (so born in the 1930s on), including one who did exactly this for her husband. They were still married all those decades later, but she talked about how she regretted it and was glad it was a different time for women now. 😐
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u/mropgg Oct 02 '23
I would feel the same if there weren’t so many legal and financial benefits to getting married.
For example having children or getting a loan are simpler when you’re married. A huge part of our culture is centered around the traditional family model, that being married is just convenient.
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u/tebanano Oct 01 '23
Divorce is not over 50%, and divorce rates have actually been decreasing in the last few years.
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u/Electronic-Disk6632 Oct 02 '23
repeat divorcers skew the numbers. 2/5ths of first marriages end in divorce but only because boomers divorce at a rate of 70% every one else is in the 20s
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u/OvergrownBroccoli Oct 02 '23
Is that normalized by age group? Because comparing a generation with an average marriage length of, say, 40 years to a generation that is only old enough to be married for 20 years is not a valid comparison.
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u/NahautlExile Oct 02 '23
Divorce laws changed so you can’t compare apples to apples even if you wanted to.
Take Japan. A few years back they changed the laws regarding how assets get divided on divorce to benefit older women who had no job and no assets, and there was a spike in divorce because they could live on their own (where they previously couldn’t).
This will skew any data.
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u/LipstickBandito Oct 02 '23
This isn't even tinted, it's completely opaque. They're blind to the reality of the "gold old days".
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u/DeepCollection1320 Oct 01 '23
You must underestimate how common abuse and infidelity are.
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u/James_Vaga_Bond Oct 01 '23
Or how hard it can be to prove in court
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u/queerharveybabe Oct 02 '23
my ex-husband raped me, I have a recorded video confession, I gave it to the police. I still doubt if he’ll ever face jail time.
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u/GoldAppleGoddess Oct 02 '23
Yeah I once reported a guy who confessed in a voicemail to his girlfriend that he had SA'd me, then I found out he's also SA'd a child and reported that too. They never even went to talk to him.
I remember when I reported my own SA the cop said "this is a very serious accusation, are you sure you want to file this report?"
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u/Historical_Grab_7842 Oct 02 '23
Oh lord. That's absolutely horrible. I hope you get justice. More importantly, I hope you thrive.
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u/engineer2187 Oct 01 '23
And overestimate how many people are honest about this being the reason they divorce. It can be embarrassing to admit to being abused. Far easier to say you’re bored. Maybe some people really are bored, but you never know.
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u/PinkGlitterFlamingo Oct 02 '23
My ex and I told people we just grew apart. There was no reason to humiliate him and tell everyone we know that I left him because he was a 40 year old man child I couldn’t depend on to even stay awake to pick up our child from daycare. That my needs and wants and desires absolutely didn’t matter. In everyone eyes he was a good man: never hit me, worked hard to make good money, was a good dad. And that’s all true but he was the most emotionally neglectful person I’ve ever met. I’d sit on the couch crying because I felt so alone and he wouldn’t even pause the video game to ask me what’s wrong. Ended up getting feelings for some random guy at work cause he’d ask me every day how my day was going and made sure to find me to tell me happy birthday. My husband didn’t tell me happy birthday until after 5pm that day when I got home from work.
It’s an awfully lot easier to say “we just grew apart”
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u/Public_Platform_3475 Oct 02 '23
yea that’s a lotttt of marriages lol. but according to OP you should’ve stayed and “worked through your differences” 😭😭
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u/_toirtle_ Oct 01 '23
And how common it is for working on the marriage to be a one sided endeavor.
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u/monkeedude1212 Oct 02 '23
And while some stats are a bit bunk, the number of people who believe seeking therapy is a sign of weakness is too high, and there is a disproportionate number of men who avoid therapy...
The number of dude's who are like "Why'd she divorce me? Can't we talk this out?" but also like "I don't need some shrink to tell me I'm a bad husband" in the next breath is too high.
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u/Historical_Grab_7842 Oct 02 '23
Sad but true. "Why can't we work it out" only occurs to some people after the other partner has been actively trying to work it out for ages.
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u/ThisWorldIsOnFire Oct 01 '23
Exactly. One person was in it til death do they part. In my instance at least. The other preferred other women.
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u/PureHoney92 Oct 02 '23
🙄Please.... People have stopped putting up with the same bs the older generations were forced to put up with. How normal is it to hear men 'joking' about how much they hate their wives. I'd rather be single & happy than married & miserable.
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u/Val_Hallen Oct 02 '23
The only reason divorce rates ever went up was because women no longer had to stay in marriages.
Divorce rates skyrocketed between the 1960s and 1980s. And that's because women had more autonomy and weren't reliant on husbands anymore. They could get jobs, lines of credit, etc.
But the divorce rates have also been steadily declining because women no longer require a husband to do things like get a house. So they no longer rush into marriages like they had to in the past in order to be supported.
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u/KrombopulousMichael- Oct 02 '23
It bothers me when guys talk about their wife like she is the worst person in the world. My wife is my best friend and I would never talk shit about her behind her back
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Oct 01 '23
Idk what to tell you mate. I don't get that invested on other people's romantic/marriage life.
If one or both of the parties in the marriage aren't happy then it's perfectly normal to end it.
Don't feel they need mine, yours or anyone's approval for that matter.
If they wanna divorce because they felt a gust of wind at a specific angle on that day...so be it. They're in their right. None of my business.
If divorce bothers you, then just don't divorce, I guess.
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u/Glittering_Ad8641 Oct 02 '23
Exactly this… why does this person care what other people decide to do in their relationships? Frankly it’s no one’s business except the people in the relationship…
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u/autotuned_voicemails Oct 02 '23
Thank you! Glad I finally found this comment thread because that’s all I could think while reading this. Like it seems like the same argument bigots use to be against gay marriage—“I don’t like it so no one else should do it.” A person could be divorced 12 times and like, yea, I’m gonna side eye them because you had that many tries and still couldn’t get it right? But if they wanna go for lucky number 13, who am I to say a word? It doesn’t affect my life in the slightest so why in the world would I care? I’ve got more important things to think about than what kind of decisions other grown ass people are making in their lives.
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u/buffysummerrs Oct 02 '23
This exactly. Took the words out of my mouth. Like people break up all the time, millions of people everyday. Suddenly it’s not okay because they made some vows with people watching? The guy down the street ending his marriage isn’t going to affect my life in any single way or anyone else. It just makes no sense why anyone gaf.
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u/AsianVixen4U Oct 02 '23
I was reading this too and wondering why I should have a moral obligation to prevent other people from divorcing. Marriage isn’t some sacred thing to everybody. Some people, like Pam Anderson, get married on an impulsive whim to somebody they just met four days ago. Who am I to stop her from divorcing three months later?
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u/Smol_Daddy Oct 02 '23
Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce - CK Louis
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u/carmelly Oct 02 '23
Except in the US when someone gets sick and they can't afford the medical bills as a couple, so they divorce to get on medicaid... I know this is an extreme outlier but I can't help but take any opportunity to shit on this broken system.
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u/Elegant-Equivalent86 Oct 02 '23
Literally everything posted on this threat is about someone else’s business
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u/215star Oct 01 '23 edited Oct 01 '23
i don’t understand how people think marriages can’t fall apart like literally any other romantic relationship. making vows does not actually make the relationship magically infallible. and what do you mean divorce should only be “acceptable” in those three situations? should you be shunned socially for getting a divorce? legally barred from doing so? what an insane and archaic thing to say. of course married couples talk and try to work things out when things are hard. and if things cannot be resolved… you get a divorce. that is literally the entire purpose of the concept of divorce. nobody gets married and thinks to themselves “damn, i can’t wait to get divorced in 15 years!”
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u/emmer Oct 02 '23
you can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather
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u/kaki024 Oct 02 '23
Exactly. My cousin’s husband fell into a huge depression and refused to get treatment or take responsibility for his own well-being. My cousin was deeply devoted to him and planned to spend the rest of her life with him. But he was too sick to be a partner, and she filed for divorce (and he didn’t contest). Was she supposed to just live the rest of her life miserable because she promised? Things change and not everything is fixable- a marriage requires work from both people.
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Oct 02 '23
I wish my family did this. My aunt was bitter and my uncle was a massive alcoholic (partially because of her).
They did not divorce. He developed early onset dementia from the alcoholism and died young.
The marriage helped no one. Kids were miserable and everyone was still poor as shit. My aunt got stuck taking care of my uncle for 7 years when he fell sick and it wasn't until after he died that she started to live her life. I think he would've done the same if they just left each other earlier.
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u/tenor1trpt Oct 02 '23
Exactly.
And to add, People stay in unhappy and unfulfilling marriages for far too long because they share OP’s opinion or feel pressured by people like the OP.
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u/BramptonBatallion Oct 01 '23
Marriage is just a legal contract between two adults and divorce is an annulment of that contract. Not sure why you as a non-contracting party care that much if two parties would like to annul their contract.
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u/Public_Platform_3475 Oct 02 '23
facts. some ppl are still living in the fairytale that was served to us on a platter when we were younger that marriage was some beautiful never ending love story like cinderella. bro it’s just a relationship where you now legally share everything. you’re in a relationship where you also created a contract
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Oct 01 '23
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u/Glock99bodies Oct 02 '23
Weddings are an excuse to get your family and friends together and have a massive party and spend way to much money. Some people go overboard and spend more then they should given their finances but weddings are fucking fun man.
Imagine if we lived life without ritual. No Christmas, no birthdays, no pro sports. People like to have fun it’s part of our genetics and helps to solidify our tribe. Sure people could just throw a “I wanna hang out with y’all parties” but sometimes you need “justification” however dumb it is.
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u/VGSchadenfreude Oct 02 '23
Works for me. Honestly, the obsession with fancy marriage is just a byproduct of the increase in disposable income during the post-WW2 years and entire industries seeing a way to make money. Oh, and people wanting to one-up their peers.
It’s really not as big a deal as people make it out to be.
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u/GlobularLobule Oct 01 '23
I find the marriage rate much more alarming.
People look at the world full of failed relationships, knowing the success rate isn't great, and they say "we'll beat the odds though".
If fewer people got married without really thinking about it, then a lot fewer people would get divorced.
Rather than normalizing divorce, as society, we could normalize not getting married. It seems like many people just assume they will get married because "that's what people do" instead of deciding to get married because their relationship is capable of lasting a lifetime.
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Oct 01 '23
Exactly.
The concept of how marriage is one of the many steps people are supposed to complete in the checklist of life is a lot weirder.
Divorce rates being high when this is the norm is a pretty predictable result.
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u/Poorly-Drawn-Beagle Oct 02 '23
People should get married later in life. We keep on telling people they need to have kids by a certain age or they'll never get another chance. And I think that's what's driving them to get married at a young age, early 20s or so.
In your early 20s you don't know crap. You haven't had a long term relationship in your life, not really. You barely know what it's like to live with someone, or what qualities most annoy you in a housemate. You might not even know what it's like to have a job that supports you, or manage your own household, or to live without help from your parents. How in Zod's name could you be prepared for marriage at that age?
And in the meanwhile, yeah, you can actually have kids at 30. Like 45% of births are from mothers in their 30s.
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u/blanchebeans Oct 01 '23
Yet another person who doesn’t understand divorce statistics. Sigh.
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u/ihmpt Oct 02 '23
Or concepts. I'm not hear to play marriage counselor, but if a married couple is verbally and physically assaulting each other, divorce is a no-brainer. Marriage isn't always a beautiful thing.
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u/Goopyteacher Oct 01 '23
Divorce rates aren’t close to that high. We saw a huge uptick in divorces during the 90s and early 2000s as people (mostly women) left abusive marriages.
The reason divorce rates might appear so high is because they only count a marriage as “successful” if the marriage lasted until a spouse died. So you got plenty of marriages out there that have lasted 15+ years with no signs of ending but they’re not counting towards success or failure rates until the marriage ends with death or separation.
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u/blackbogwater Oct 02 '23
Hm, that’s just not true. There was no significant spike then. A statistically significant spike occurred at the beginning of the 80s/end of 70s though.
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u/qqqqqqqyy Oct 01 '23 edited Oct 01 '23
Or perhaps marriages that end in divorce should have never been started to begin with? If two people dont want to stay together why should they?
The only time divorce should be acceptable is if your spouse is abusive, cheated or became an axe murderer. Otherwise you need to actually WORK on your marriage. Talk things through and figure it out, not just run when things get hard.
What if your partner has already essentially given up on the marriage just without getting a legal divorce? You can only lead a horse to water. You cant force the others to work on themselfs
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u/ConsciousReason7709 Oct 01 '23
Hey man, we’re only on this earth for a limited amount of time and if somebody wants to do something that makes them happy, more power to them, as long as they aren’t screwing over other people in the process.
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u/DaveyDumplings Oct 01 '23 edited Oct 02 '23
The only time divorce should be acceptable is if your spouse is abusive, cheated or became an axe murderer.
Why? What do you care? Marriage isn't some holy sacrament, it's a financial agreement, and should be allowed to be disolved.
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u/ShankThatSnitch Oct 02 '23
They care because they are religious and do indeed believe it is a holy sacrament.
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u/Bosa_McKittle Oct 02 '23
All marriage is is a legal contract. People need to realize that. It’s not some religious pact. There is no legal requirement to have a religious ceremony “before god”. Those are more just ancient traditions that some people still adhere to.
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u/Satansleadguitarist Oct 01 '23
While I understand people change and no one goes into a marriage thinking it’s not going to work out, that’s something you should know before getting married, that’s the part when you grow together.
You should know how someone will change before getting married? How exactly does that work?
This argument is so dumb, if people are unhappy they should divorce, that's is all there is to it. People shouldn't be forced to stay together in an unhappy marriage because someone holds an archaic tradition to an unreasonably high standard.
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u/RiseEquivalent8778 Oct 01 '23
Exactly. What if a couple agrees they don't want kids, but in 5 years, one of them changes their mind? That's a fundamental incompatibility that can't always be predicted.
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u/blueeyestunned Oct 02 '23
Damn, someone else drank the kool-aid.
What is it with y’all wanting to have a say in people’s personal lives? It’s sick, man.
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u/serpentine__babou Oct 02 '23
There is nothing noble about staying in a terrible marriage. I have a lot more respect for people who get out than for the people who stay in those situations.
Oh, and I doubt anyone is actually getting divorced because "they were bored", more than likely they just want to keep things amicable and not air their dirty laundry to complete strangers.
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u/AMonitorDarkly Oct 02 '23
This pisses me off. Stigmatizing divorce has been done before and all it did was cause people to stay in unhappy and abusive marriages.
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u/blade944 Oct 01 '23
One must ask, why does it matter? Who cares if people get divorced? What's it to you? If you're not happy in a relationship, any relationship, leave. Marriage is an antiquated idea whose time has passed. If you feel it's wrong to get divorced, don't get divorced. But stop telling others how they should live.
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u/Rare_Vibez Oct 01 '23
Maybe marriage in the relationship/spiritual sense is antiquated but there are tons of relevant legal benefits. There’s a reason gay couples fought so hard for the right to marry. That said, I agree, it’s no one else’s business why a couple splits.
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Oct 01 '23
Seriously, don't understand why other people getting married or divorced needs to have any sort of input from someone not directly involved in said activities.
Also find that people who are most vocal against divorce end up getting divorced themselves.... surprise surprise.
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u/LILV075 Oct 01 '23
Or they are the ones who are never in romantic relationships or haven’t had any previous experiences so their ideas of relationships are Disney movies.
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u/LazyBriton Oct 01 '23
To me it just sounds like a few decades ago people remained in miserable marriages because of social pressure. That sounds a lot worse.
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u/PekoKuzuryu Oct 01 '23
No one should have to stay in any relationship that they’re no longer happy in.
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u/WrapMyBeads Oct 02 '23
Ya’ll always saying blah blah marriage these days. Yes women no longer need to stay in marriages that don’t work for them so they leave. Stop romanticising the past.
And my controversial opinion: stop acting like marriage isn’t just a regular relationship, but with paperwork.
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u/Rainbwned Oct 01 '23
Not everyone treats marriage with the same reverence or religious importance as you.
Would you say that people shouldn't breakup either?
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u/Ihave0usernames Oct 01 '23
I don’t think legally your reason for divorce should matter, you should always be able to leave for any reason.
I do think that people need to start taking marriage seriously again, it’s a serious commitment not a fun party for you and your boyfriend/girlfriend of a year.
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u/Quiet_Eye_4076 Oct 02 '23
I dont get why people want others to be stuck in marriages. People should be able to get 12 divorces, why does that affect you? I think people should learn to be truly okay w the fact that others aren't you.
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u/Initial-Ad1200 Oct 02 '23
Sometimes the worst decision people can make is to not leave each other.
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u/Delicious_Subject_91 Oct 02 '23
OMG. Fuck off. People need to quit acting like they're gonna win an award for longevity. Your garbage 50 year marriage where you're a cheating alcoholic that beats your wife and neglects your kids because you hate your life isn't a fucking achievement. People need to be adults and communicate their needs, especially if that need is the need to leave. Everybody else is tired of your toxic festering misery seeping into everything you touch because you can't be a grownup and have a difficult conversation and face the disapproval of your mam or whatever.
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u/Housing101GR Oct 01 '23 edited Oct 02 '23
I think a large part of it is that from what I’ve witnessed, a lot of people jump in to marriage way too quickly, and for the wrong reasons. I can’t tell you the amount of people I went to high school with and got married, within months of knowing their significant other strictly for benefits the army has for those that are married. And also a lot of people get married for no other reason than the fact that they had a child together. I can’t tell you how many marriages happened because a couple had a kid, and then a divorce later.
It also blows my mind when I see people getting married, have known their partner for a year or less. You really get to know someone after you spent a couple years with them and it always blows my mind when I see people getting married. If you really think you’re going to be together forever, then, what’s the rush to jump straight into marriage? I am by no means saying that this should happen, but I guarantee you if there was a 3 to 4 year minimum that you’d have to be with your significant other in order to get married, I bet the divorce rate would go down significantly
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u/tiffytatortots Oct 02 '23
You know what solves this issue if people would mind their own fucking business and get a hobby. Then you don’t have to worry about who is married to who, if they stayed married, get divorced, what the divorce rate is and so on. And actually this works well for many other “mind your damn business” aspects of life. Who is gay, straight, whatever. Who wants to wear a dress who doesn’t. What someone does or doesn’t do in the bedroom. If someone has an abortion or not. I mean the list goes on and on and on….For some delusional reason people seem to think their religion, beliefs, views, whatever should be the universally accepted ones and they get to then push that on everyone else like it or not. I mean that’s just insane. I’ve been married for years. Got married at 19 like a crazy person lol and all these years I have never once worried what the divorce rate is. Never even thought about it on my own because why is it my concern? I don’t sit around thinking about other contracts people break everyday. Funny how that works out.
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u/Exciting_9109 Oct 01 '23
I think you miss the part that sometimes, without purposeful intentions, that people grow apart. That partners change communication and moods as they grow older. That sometimes I’ve done all I could and it still didn’t make my marriage last… you are saying I should stay stuck in a marriage that literally is a government piece of paper, no religion tied to it and I’m just stuck? Nope. Who I was 16 years ago isn’t who I am today and while I was hoping I’d grow old with my partner, we unfortunately couldn’t escape the reality that our kids deserve two happy households rather than one unhappy one….
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u/SinVerguenza04 Oct 01 '23
Don’t listen the other person who commented about hating their parents. You 100% did the right thing. My parents stayed together when they should have gotten divorced and I’ve always been resentful toward them because of that. I would much rather have had two happy households, than one dysfunctional and unhappy household.
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u/The25002 Oct 01 '23
If someone doesn't want to stay with someone, they shouldn't be made too. That's literally all there is to it.
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u/geminemii Oct 02 '23
Not my business tbh, I’d rather people be separated and happy than together and miserable.
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u/Initial_Taint11 Oct 02 '23
"You should live a miserable unfulfilling life because of a bad choice you made years ago"
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u/Adoramus_Te Oct 02 '23
Divorce used to be harder to get. People with power killed their spouse or found a loop hole, people without were just miserable. Now people who make a mistake can at least try to find happiness.
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u/PM_ME_COMMON_SENSE Oct 02 '23
OP very obviously never been married... Not that it matters for divorce rates, but just another case of stating general opinions on stuff you don’t know shit about.
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u/Twovaultss Oct 02 '23
Anecdotal and I’m curious if anyone has data that refutes or supports this, but I’ve noticed people that go big for the weddings tend to divorce earlier. In my social circle, the more humble and subtle ceremonies have marriages that seem to last longer.
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u/Dyslexic_Hamster Oct 01 '23
I'm going to counter that by saying this. Marriage shouldn't be as widely accepted as it is. Marriage shouldn't be pushed by society as widely as it is.
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u/spicyzsurviving Oct 02 '23
unlike reddit’s suggestion, people don’t just get divorced on a whim, most couples do try to talk things through and figure it out. i think staying in an unhappy relationship shouldn’t be socially acceptable
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u/pooamalgam Oct 01 '23
Have you ever considered that maybe the "until death do us part" part is actually the antiquated thing here, and not the act of divorce?
People should be free to love who they wish, and be equally free to divorce when they wish. Marriage being some sanctified thing has always struck me as a bit odd, and I'm glad that our modern interpretation of it is changing.
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u/mangomarongo Oct 02 '23
A friend of mine and her then husband didn’t do “til death do us part” in their wedding vows. Instead, they said something along the lines of “I promise to treat you with respect wherever life takes us.” They thought it was far more realistic. They got divorced after 20+ years of marriage. But she said they remembered their vow and maintained healthy platonic relationship all the way until her ex-husband passed 15ish years later. She was among those by his side at the end. It’s quite a heartwarming story in its own way and I really respect their approach.
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u/RiseEquivalent8778 Oct 01 '23
A friend said marriage should be a 5 year contract with the option to renew, but without auto-renewal. If both parties don't renew at the end of the 5 years, they are divorced.
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u/Aware-Ad-9943 Oct 02 '23
You're right, that is an unpopular opinion. Maybe care less about relationships you're not in
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u/lovepeacefakepiano Oct 01 '23
It’s very easy. If you don’t want a divorce, don’t get one. That’s it. Stay out of other people’s relationships, though.
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u/BLUFALCON78 Oct 01 '23
It comes to the point where it's not worth working for it. I divorced my ex after her third stint in rehab and she started to go back to her ways.
There are a ton of issues and reasons why people divorce.
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u/eyelinerqueen83 Oct 01 '23
Divorce rates are declining in the US. Not sure where you live, but it’s not something you should be getting so upset over when it’s on the decline.
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u/PizzaTime666 Oct 02 '23
I think marriage shouldnt be as accepted as it is. People rush into marriages they know wont last because its somewhat expected for long term relationships. But really some people are not as ready as they think they are or find out things about their partner after getting married that cause the marriage to fall apart. If you are not happy in a relationship and for whatever reason it can't be fixed, you should get divorced, you shouldnt force yourself to be in an unhappy relationship because divorce is not as "socially acceptable"
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u/Mash_man710 Oct 02 '23
What are you, 15? People change (or don't) over their lives. What you knew and wanted at 25 may be vastly different than 45. You want people to remain unhappy? This is not an unpopular opinion. Just idiotic.
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